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FMA: Roy/Havoc + Ed "Lubrication"
notshakespeare
tir_synni
Title: Lubrication
Pairing: Roy/Havoc + Ed
A/N: All kageotogi's fault.  You see this, Catherine!  It's done!  ...After I lost all my work on it.  *pouts*  Oh well.  It's not exactly long or anything.
Rating: Hard R
Warnings: Sexual content

Lubrication
“Ugh! Ugh! R-Roy!”
“Ah! …eh . . eh . . . Ah!
The kitchen lights abruptly flipped on. Panting and sweating and half-dressed, Roy Mustang and Jean Havoc froze. Jean’s upper back rested on the table, his legs draped over Roy’s shoulders and his ass in the air. Roy held Jean’s bottom up, the brunet’s pants around his ankles, his cock buried in Jean’s body. Both trembling with their half-blind eyes wide with terror, they stared at the kitchen door.
Unimpressed, Edward Elric stared back. “Y’know,” he commented conversationally, “if Lt. Hawkeye catches you doing that at work, she’s going to shoot you both.”
Ignoring their stunned stares and compromising position, Edward carried his empty coffee mug past the table and to the coffee pot. As the young blond carefully measured his four spoonfuls of sugar, Roy recovered himself a little.
“Isn’t it a li—” Roy shuddered as Jean unintentionally tightened around him. Jean flashed him a shaky, apologetic smile. “—little late for coffee, Fullmetal?”
Edward hummed, pouring his coffee. Stirring it, he turned to the two men on the table. “It’s only midnight,” he retorted. His gaze focused on the soap on the table. “Don’t even tell me that you guys are using that as lube. Doesn’t that hurt, Havoc?”
Jean swallowed, his face flushed. He glanced back and forth between Ed’s disbelieving eyes and Roy’s inquisitive eyes. “A little, Boss,” he admitted.
Roy frowned and began pulling out. “You should’ve—”
“It’s fine!” Jean said quickly, tightening his legs around Roy. “Seriously.” He winked at the colonel. “It’s better than fine.”
Edward huffed and returned the spoon to the counter. “Of course it hurts, idiots! You can use soap, but it stings and can lead to infections. Didn’t you guys even research this before you decided to fuck?”
As Ed blew on his steaming coffee, Roy and Jean stared at each other. By some miracle, they were still hard, but Roy could tell they were going to need more lube soon. He tried pulling out again, but Jean refused to relent, his easy-going smile never leaving his face.
“How do you know all this, Boss?” Jean inquired, lightly squeezing his anal muscles around Roy. Sweat glistened on Roy’s face. Jean’s flush darkened.
Edward haughtily tossed his braid over his shoulder. “I did my research,” he retorted. His tone turned lecturing. “Commercial lubricants are the best, but if you need to use a household item, you need something oily, like cooking oil or oily hand lotion. People use egg whites, but that’s generally used to promote the chance of pregnancy. Butter—not, not margarine—also works, as well as heavy creams.” His tone turned derisive again. “Don’t you guys know anything?”
Uncaring of Jean and Roy’s stunned gazes, Edward tested his coffee. Apparently finding it satisfactory, Edward walked to the kitchen door, switching the light off as he went.
“Oh,” Ed’s disembodied voice added, “oatmeal’s gross but my lover and me were able to use it before. It works.”
After the door shut, Roy exhaled sharply. “So. Who do you think his lover is?”
“I don’t know, but there’s cooking oil in the cabinet.”
“…Good.”

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*dies* That is like the best information ever... Gotta hand it to Ed to just smugly go about his business like nothing was out of place

Blame kageotogi. Her bunny, her info. XD

C'mon. You can just see Ed doing that, smug that he had the upper hand. *snickers*

*SNERK* Darling, I love you. ^__^

*glomps* Thanks for the bunny! XD

Hey, it's what I do! ^__^

OATMEAL?


*wanders off, laughing and choking at same time...*


*smirks* Oatmeal. Remember that next time you grab yourself a bowl.

(Deleted comment)
Only Ed would research sex. XD Thanks!

(Deleted comment)
See what happens when you don't have sex with as many men as you do women? You lack creativity and knowledge in the lube department. *sighs woefully* It's a good thing our little prodigy was able to help them. *^_______*

*glomps* Thanks!

*SNERK*
*dies*
*worships frm beyond the gate*

*starts making plans for homunculupockygirl*

All right! the homunculi get such spiffy clothes. ^^

*giggles* How like Ed to offer his comments so matter of factly. Love it.

XD Ed's loving it, too. Thanks!

Oh man, This is really great. I like how when Roy found out soap isn't the best lube, he starts fearing for Havoc. I also like how it seems the adults are horney teenagers how don't waste time getting Lube (or figuring what makes the best lube) and Edward is acting like a adult.

But now I have to wonder, who is Ed's lover XD

...All considering, I can really imagine those two as horny teenagers. Don't even have to stretch my imagination for that one.

Yes. Who is Ed's lover? }D

It's obviously Fu(e)ry. Or Hoenheim</i> NOTHING!
*loves Fu(e)ry so much*

Ho-leeeee shit, I screwed it up again. The strike was supposed to end after Hoenheim.

I love how La la la, oh you guys are fucking, Ed is.

Mmm wonders who his lover is...

Just another night at work. XD

Hee!

*dead*

I LOVE THIS! No really!

*reads "oatmeal's gross but my lover and me were able to use it before."*

*dies again*

Don't you want to see if oatmeal works in real life? Don't you? Don't you? *snickers*


+DEAD+

I laughed the whole time I read this....oh dear, aren't roy and havoc under educated....

Don't worry. Ed just educated them. ^^

IT'S RUSSEL, YOU IDIOTS, DIDN'T YOU SEE EPISODE 12?

*pants*

Oh, just so you'll know, I'm marrying you. You're mine. And I love you.

NOW WRITE MORE HAVOC/ROY.

*pants*

That is all.

*snickers* You're not biased, not in the slightest. *^_____^*

*cuddles* Happy you enjoyed the pairing(s). XD

This story still makes me laugh out loud, which woke the baby, so now I don't get to write a long, slobbery, fangirl comment. But seriously, you should write more of this pairing. You totally rock out at it!

The Joy of Research!

Ahem. I really hope Ed is joking about the oatmeal. I'm not looking it up, as the ambiguity is funny as hell, and there's no way in hell I'm going to test that.

Just... oatmeal? Dry oats would chafe, so obviously he means cooked, but that stuff, like, congeals... ugh argh grah ick ew.

Funny as hell.

Since you're not looking it up, I won't tell you. *^____^* I'll just let you think about it . . . and be haunted by it. XD

Thanks!

omg you win so much of everything with this XD

Ahhhh, you win! But OATMEAL? Heee.

Yay for research! ^_~

Now I'm going to be pondering who Ed's lover is for the rest of the day...

Most giggleworthy fic. :)

^^ Always something to ponder. Thanks!

I swear you need a warning on this thing before people read it. The warning should say "Stop all eating and drinking actions before you begin to read". I was sipping my soda while reading this and almost chocked. I couldn't stop laughing.

This is really good, I've never read a humor fanfic quite like it. Keep up the great work, this is awesome.

Re: Needs a warning ...

*snickers* I wrote one fic completely inspired by me choking on a mountain dew because of someone's fic. *^___^* I still have fond memories of that fic.

XD Thanks!

Jeez, Ed's a little pro, ain't he? XD And I have a hunch I know ho Ed's referring to as 'lover'...

Great work! ♥ *mems*

*^__^* Just out of curiosity . . . what's your hunch?

I adore how you portrayed Ed in this.... LOL

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